Thursday, January 28, 2010

Lesson Number Two

Keeping with the MOPS theme, the other "lesson" I learned to change my marriage was also learned at MOPS. This lesson is a little bit more personal so please bear with me! Along with learning how to care for my family and take care of young children while at MOPS, once a year we had a lady come and talk to us about Sex. We all knew her as the Sex lady and I remember the hushed chatter around MOPS the first time she came to speak. I must have missed her talk in years past because I know I would have remembered her talk before. I know for sure I can't do her talk any justice here on my blog because 1) It was a long time ago and 2) I don't retell stories very well.
The lady was there that day to talk to us about Sex with our husbands. Obviously we all knew what that was, since we were there with young children. But sometimes the problem with marriage is that for women, Sex tends to get put on the back burner. I know for a fact I can remember times I told Jason, "I'm just not in the mood" OR "I'm so tired honey, maybe another night." I remember how much it seperated us when I would tell him that. He was never ugly to me but it just sort of put a wall between us. I never understood how he felt or why it was such a big deal. The sex lady got up this one day and started talking about her husbands needs or more practically all our husbands needs. We all know that God created men and woman different. Men seem to think about Sex ALL the time and woman...sure we think about it but not ALL the time like men.
Think back to when you first got married, I remember how I could not get enough of my husband. It was just the two of us, we were all alone, of course I was in the mood for sex. Sex was new, Sex was fun, Sex was exciting. If he was in the mood, I was in the mood. It was GREAT! Everyone was happy! But slowly, as in every marriage, sex seemed to get less and less important to me. We had kids, and I wasn't leaving anything at the end of the day for my husband!
The sex lady talked that day about how there are two kinds of sex. One is the over top really good sex and the other she called the peanut butter and jelly type sex. Over the top sex happens late at night or when the kids aren't home at all. It is time consuming, it is satifying, and it is wonderful. Sex like that is GREAT and we all enjoy it but sex like that can't happen all the time!
The second kind of sex is the peanut butter and jelly sex, this is the sex that is maybe not over the top but still satisfying. It is the "bread and butter", the "slam, bam, thank you mam!" I am not trying to sound crude or discredit this second act of sex but honestly...the really good sex just can't happen all the time and that is OKAY! My husband married me and said that he would be faithful and love only me. How fair is it for me to hold Sex as something that he can only have when I am "in the mood" OR when "I'm not so tired"? Do you think anybody would ever get married if the vows included something about sex being available only when the wife is in the mood? No man would ever want to get married!
It is hard to put into words on a short blog how strongly I feel about this issue. I remember the MOPS sex lady talking about how she would ask her husband if he actually needed sex on the nights he wouldn't necessarily ask for it. Ask her husband for sex? I thought she was a little nuts! But the more she talked and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to be the woman that asks my husband if he needs me for sex at night!
Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is more than just physical, there is the emotional and spiritual as well. My husband does everything to meet the needs of our family. He goes to work every day and provides the finances to have a roof over our head, food on the table, money to pay the bills, and even extra for the fun things like movies, games, and dinners out! Out of love and respect I want to provide myself in a sexual relationship to my husband to meet his needs!
I am a person who does not think that Pornography or Strip clubs is okay for any man in my family. This is something my husband and I have discussed and come to an agreement on. But I know that if I want my husband to only have eyes for me and to stay away from the temptations of pornography or other woman, I have to give all of myself to him. Not just when I feel like it but ALL the time, even when I think I am to tired! If all we can do is the quick peanut butter and jelly sex than that is okay with me. It's sort of like the bread holing our marriage together.
Besides what the MOPS sex lady said on that day I also read a book called, Every Man's Battle. Please understand that I did this to help me understand men and not because my husband has ever struggling with pornography. I would encourage all wives to read this book and get a fresh perspective on how guys think or are wired to work when it comes to sex. Again I read it many years ago but there was something in the book that talked about never letting your husband go more than 3 days without sex. I don't remember the full context but it is something that has stuck with me. If I don't want my husband sexually tempted than I need to be giving him a sexual outlet with me at home!
I know it is a lot harder when the kids are little and maybe you are still getting up in the middle of the night to feed your baby BUT, after the kids grow up and are gone, it's just you and your husband again. You can't have a relationship if you put it on the back burner for 18+ years while your kids are at home! I will admit that there are times I'm not in the mood but I still give myself freely to my husband so that we can be one again in Marriage...besides after a little while, you may find yourself more in the mood after all. ;-)
So for me and my husband I have found that these two lessons that I've shared with you have changed my thoughts and views on my role as a wife. It helped me to be less selfish and more giving to my husband. Of course my husband never complained about this fresh new perspective either! You have to do what works for you and your husband in your relationship, I am not posting these things to tell you that we have it all figured out or that you NEED to do these things or else. I just wanted to give you my perspective and show you what has worked for me in my marriage! Even after 15 years we have found new ways to express our love and keep things fun and new! I just don't feel like things would be as great for my husband and I if I hadn't applied these lessons in our relationship so many years ago!


LeAnne said...

Once again, bravo! I whole heartedly agree and I remember the sex lady too. I have to say, the thing I remember about her is how she was more needy sexually than her husband and I thought how lucky she was to have that desire so often! I find it VERY difficult to give when my body is saying "no way". But it is something I need to work on A LOT!! Thanks for the sex pep talk!