Sunday, January 9, 2011

Nobody really understands...

Think about when you were first dating your husband, what was it like?
You spent every waking moment with that person?
If you went to High School together you were together during the day, together during lunch, together on the weekends! EVERY moment was together! No time for not being together, right?! You loved this person and knew you wanted to be together!! Okay, this all make sense! I was right there with you!! I couldn't get enough of Jason, couldn't wait until I was his wife, until we lived at husband and wife and as one!!
Fast forward 15 years! I still love my husband Soooo much that it hurts!! I still long to spend every waking moment I have with him and yet here I am at home while he is 900mi away!! It just doesn't see right!
I try to stay strong, take care of my kids and live my life as best as I can but deep down...way deep down, the things I don't tell people would shake them to the core!!
I don't know how I do it, I don't know how I live life day to day except to say that I have to. I have anxiety, I have depression, but I don't tell people about that because everyone thinks Bekah is strong. Everyone tells Bekah how great she is and how much they admire her. No one wants to hear how much she aches just to be in bed in at night with her husband.
It's not all sexual it is about emotional connection!! No one understands how much I yearn to just be in arms night after night, to hear his voice, to be with him....and I feel I have no one to talk or to understand.
I have family that have problems of their own and don't want them to think I am unhappy?
I have friends that live with their boyfriend and aren't even married so how do they understand?
I have a spouse who is doing the best he can to support us so how can I complain to him?
I have friends that don't even like their husband and think I am lucky to be apart from mine!!
I have friends that put a medal around my neck and think I am so awesome to do without my husband and survive day after day....but I am barely surviving!!
I am surviving but friends it is SO FREAKING HARD!!
Pray for me!! Pray Jason gets a job close to to home and pray I can keep on keeping on!! It is not as easy I make it look but I fear no one wants to know how hard it really is!! I miss my husband with such deep hurting that it makes my own heart hurt even more!!
Don't take you spouse for granted!! Revel in every moment and minute you have together because I know...I take nothing for granted and LOVE every moment I have with my husband!!
I am blessed but desire so much more to be with him every moment than I can!!
God is good and I believe He hears my crys and wants us together as a family but I need more...I am hurting...I need your prayers!! Pray for me, please pray for my family, I need HIS comfort, I need so much more, I need to be shown how to live my life in honor of Him and my husband!! I need so much that even right to say?!!


Anonymous said...

I am praying for you girl. I know it must be hard to be away from the one you love. And everyone knows how much in love you are. It's always been obvious with you guys. Love and hugs